Did you see this SATURDAY SPECIAL
about why I don’t think the US will ever get invaded
Sure, there was a lot of tongue in a lot of cheek
And I’m not talking about an end of the date moment
But someone wrote an email with a question
“What about Florida, man?”
Like I would be worried about the dangle of the South
Sure, FL seems like an easy capture for any foreign army
Because it’s surrounded by water, all out there alone by itself
Just swinging in the wind like me at a nude beach
Which I went to a few times when I lived by the Atlantic coast
Where I saw a few myself and a lot of folks who probably shouldn’t have been sans clothes
But walked around like they owned it, so you know, more power to them and all that
Which the CCP or the Spetznaz or the North Korean Special Forces, which I can’t say without a smirk even if they are pretty tough SOB’s
That would be the first thing they crawled up out of the surf to encounter
Some 90 year old retiree from NY or Boston
And even if they couldn’t speak English, the solider would quickly learn about East Coast Etiquette and Masshole behavior
But those would just be words and a lot of “Get off my lawn” behavior
I’m sure whatever army decided to come at the USA from the FL side of things would establish an easy beachhead
Thinking they could sweep all the way up through Georgia and take the middle of the USA through the southern back door
Yes, that was a Jim Morrison reference (IYKYK)
Except…
We discussed foreign war councils before at the CCP and Putin and Kim levels and how they will have taken into account the 1.3 guns per person in the USA
Registered guns
But where do you think most of the registered guns are in the country?
I mean, I got an AK-47 just outside of Miami for $300 a decade or so ago
It makes a distinct sound when fired
I’m not even considering the estimated million unregistered weapons though, sitting in the back of gun closets or under the seats of really bad drivers
I’m talking about men and women that even the Redneck shakes a head when mentioning
Never saying the name too loud for fear they might show up
Conjured like Beetleguise
Florida Man
You’ve seen the headlines, so you know
And if you haven’t seen the headlines, just google it or ask Chat GPT to give you the top twenty Florida Man headlines
You’ll soon realize that the CCP and the Special Forces guys just don’t have the answer for that particular group of men and women who are hopped up on swamp water and gator
Flakka and meth and what I suspect is cocaine tainted water from the aquafer thanks to all the millions of pounds of the white powder dropped and dumped and spread
that leeched through the earth and into the drinking supply
Florida Man throws a party for a Hurricane right up to Cat 4
They don’t even need guns because there are Fireworks stands every mile along some stretches of Everglade highways that stretch through and around and in between all the tiny little lakes and burgs and villages that dot the landscape
The invaders would get bogged down and popped with bottle rockets and roman candles, their position lit up on every turn
It would be popping smoke for the US air force to rain down hell
While coon surfing gators watch in wild eyed wonder
The Red Army could try to come in through a major city, like Tampa, but then you have Bucs fans living out pirate dreams from every cove and corner
They could try to come in through the Keys but Fantasy Fest would have them questioning every life decision they’ve ever made
Wondering why they’ve chosen to fight when there is literally fun to be had on every step
Is there an Army strong enough to overcome the siren song of a hedonist’s delight?
Florida Man defends the Dangle, the talking heads would talk on their talk shows and podcasts and video Tiks that Tok about the invasion
And you’d get to see Film at Eleven
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